Frank





Frank Maldarelli

Sometimes a carpool drive to work is nice. It can be a soothing ride where one can casually watch the world go by, and chat with their co-workers. And then there are times when it is an incredibly annoying experience. John felt this was much more the later than it was the former. The office had moved (again) and now they had to drive about twenty miles farther than before. John didn’t understand why they couldn’t just phone or skype in for work, but the white tower refused to use perfectly good technology. So for that reason, John was in a carpool to work instead. He was sitting in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sat his partner, Mark, talking loudly as he usually did. It was often his talking that messed up jobs for them. They both worked in Customer Satisfaction. Driving the blue car was Jane, from Accounting and Finance. As usual, when Mark was not arguing with John, he was arguing with Jane. Jane was really the only one from the office (or anywhere else, as John was constantly reminded) that would hang out with them. Today, they were discussing what had caused frustration all around: the moved office. “So why is it that they constantly have to move the location?” Mark was saying. “Probably to exploit some loophole that gets them a tax cut.” Jane remarked. She banked a turn from the street, and continued down a road which looped through a forest. It was a faster route than taking the highway during rush hour. “Is that the only thing the corporation ever cares about? Making more money off of tax cuts? In this economy, that’s almost impossible.” Mark said. John quietly agreed. Despite the fact that they were in a line of work that could never truly go out of business, the corporation always wanted to find some way not to pay their taxes. “Which is probably why their trying to circumvent the IRS.” Jane replied. “The way prices for everything are skyrocketing nowadays, the less they pay, the better we can survive this recession.” “Yeah, they’re probably preparing for a dip in the stocks again.” John added. “Investors are looking for growing businesses, and ours really hasn’t been doing well. Customer Satisfaction is down, it’s taking a lot longer to respond to people’s claims and requests.” “Accounting and Finance is suffering as well. A few people got laid off, and we’ve got less employees to cover every position. It’s crippling operations all over the company.”

Frank Maldarelli Period 2

The black limo rolled through the streets of Maririn, and slowly came to a stop in front of the Robespierre Hotel. The chauffeur hopped out, and opened the passenger door with a respectful bow. Out stepped a man in a black suit holding a decorated and heavily locked suitcase. He was the one everyone was talking about. The one who could bring the entire world into the future. The CEO the media just flipped over at every turn. Smith Marcus was the CEO of Genes R Awesome, a corporation dedicated to promoting scientific advancement in the area of genetics and cloning. They had made billions in the past few years in marketing vaccinations and serums which were intended to modify the genes inside human cells. They ranged from a wide variety of uses, from removing unhealthy or disruptive genes, to modifying entire segments of critical DNA to improve muscle mass, increase endurance and other such movements. People believed that this man could change science. He was a hero to many. He had millions invested in his company. As he stepped out of the limo and waved his hand to the cheering crowds along the sidewalk, blocked by a team of security guards, he felt as though he had everything. He had fame, fortune… And also a sniper rifle trained on his head. Several blocks away on top of a two-story building, John peered out of his scope at the CEO. He could see the man clearly, watching him smile and wave. He could even see the color of his eyes. Unlike the cheering crowd however, John was quite unsympathetic to the CEO. “What’s he doing?” John’s spotter, Mark, asked. Mark was sitting down against the wall of the roof, staring in the general direction of Smith, but undoubtedly not paying attention. “Smiling, waving, acting like a rich, overpaid idiot with more luck than brains.” John responded. “He’d make a great politician.” Unlike the millions of people who adored Smith Marcus and his corporation, the secret military firms John and Mark worked for was somewhat more knowledgeable about the actual inner workings of Genes R Awesome. The “serums” for gene therapy that the organization developed were actually steroids, and other temporary cures for the alignments of genetic defects and difficulties. Most of the corporation’s money actually went to disguising their products as actual genetic serums, paying for the best lawyers in the world, and bribing medical officials. As a result, it was incredibly difficult to effectively prosecute the CEO and his corporation. So instead, John and Mark’s employers were called upon by undercover United Nations ambassadors to capture the briefcase that Smith Marcus held. He was in Maririn for a UN medical conference, and all of his data concerning his corporation was contained in his single briefcase. Of course he did not intend to actually share the information at the conference. He kept the files with him at all times just so that he would be capable of backing up his falsified statistics and studies. It was the perfect way to make money and get away with it with little the consequences. The firm had been asked to capture the briefcase by any means necessary, but to avoid civilian casualties. While they had not been specifically asked to eliminate Smith Marcus, it was just as well, as he founded the corporation in all its fabricated glory, and would have to be terminated anyway just to get the briefcase away from him. John and Mark were tasked with eradicating the corrupt CEO, and seizing the briefcase, with an attempt at secrecy. Given John and Mark’s record, both the firm and the UN ambassador’s doubted that it would remain an entirely quiet job, but both assumed they could create a reasonable cover up and remove any trail leading back to John and Mark, or anyone else involved. “So tell me again why we can’t just pop him now?” Mark asked. “Because our objective is the briefcase.” John responded. The CEO had finally ended his moment of fame which had lasted 5 minutes, and had finally moved inside the Robespierre Hotel. Most of the crowd was dispersing, but a few hopeful journalists were still trying to push their way inside, desperate to get comments or interviews from Marcus. John pulled his rifle away from the edge and began to disassemble it, and then place the pieces in a large, but inconspicuous, black backpack. “We can’t just shoot him in the street. We have to get him some place where either you or me can quickly get the briefcase off his arm, and get out before the authorities show up. He leaves on Sunday, which means we have to get him this weekend before he gets on a plane out of Maririn.” “So why don’t we just walk up to him in a crowd, shoot him with silenced pistols, get the briefcase and get out?” “We’ll never get away fast enough. The only way we can pull this off is if I snipe him, and then you grab the objective in either a panicking crowd that’s too busy trying to find out where the shot came from, or when he’s alone some place.” “I still like my idea better.” “Yeah, we use your idea, and you’ll end up shooting anything //but// the CEO. You must be the only person in history to have failed the point-blank firing range. Seriously man, how did you miss?” “Look, don’t even start on that. Do you always have to find something to insult me with?” “I don’t have to find it; your very existence provides all the material I need.” “Whatever man.” Mark said waving his hand. “Then tell me O great master of assassination: Where are we going to pop this guy?” “He’s having lunch with some diplomats at a diner downtown in about two hours. There’s a building across the street that provides an ample vantage point. We should head down there now, and set up.”







Dear Frank,  Your story about Zelon the fits well into your established style of writing. The elements of sci-fi (mutants and technology) are melded seamlessly with your dark humor and commitment to assassins and diabolical corporations. My main critique is that you focus too much on back story. As a writer, it’s useful information to understand where the character comes from, but for the purposes of this short story and the ending it intends to have, it makes it a little unwieldy. In a novel or longer work, the back story would be necessary, and should be further fleshed out, but here it’s ok to paint in broad strokes. I hope that you revisit the ideas in the story and see where they take you in a longer piece. Sincerely, Evan Rindler

Dear Frank,  As John and Mark are your classic creations, it makes perfect sense that they are written with a clear consistency and purpose to each character. The sarcastic humor (calling John and Mark ‘civil servants’ because they technically work for the government) is spot on. What I do have trouble believing, is that in the high-tech espionage world of John and Mark, that they would need to retrieve a briefcase. A flashdrive would be more believable and a chip implanted in the CEO’s brain containing all the data would befit the genre and style even better. Imagine if they had to kill him, but not destroy his head, ‘cause it had the chip inside…well I’m sure you’d be creative with it. When you write these kinds of stories, don’t hold back. Does the final line “I just shoot things,” which matches your other story, end all of your stories? It’s a good line and sums up the purpose of your writing. Sincerely, Evan Rindler

Dear Frank,

I enjoyed your "Weekend in Maririn" short story. I found the character development to be excellent (Mark consistently incompetent, and John who thinks he's far superior but can still manage to work with Mark). By the end, I found myself hoping that they would accomplish their mission without any casualties, so they wouldn't get caught. I also thought that the twist with the cake was quite comical. My only complaint is that you don't go into much detail about the organization they work for. I understand that its a top-secret type deal, but do they solely deal with assassinations and corporate espionage? Maybe a reference to a past case with Mark screwing up could give the reader a better sense of the other jobs they do (if any) and add humorously add another strike against him.

Sincerely, Leo

Dear Frank,

The premise of your "S4" short story is fascinating; I have seem a similar idea implemented in TV shows (like Heroes) following multiple "mutants", but I think your story avoids unnecessary complexity by focusing on one. It does seem to follow a theme in your writing where there is some corporation or government that is corrupt and your protagonist(s) take them down. There are a few instances where you show not tell ("They had been shocked for a moment," "Zelon had hated them all") which I think are redundant given the surrounding descriptions. That aside, if you could turn this into a novel, I would be the first to buy the book.

Sincerely, Leo

Dear Frank, Your story is interesting, the fact it focuses in on finance and the economy. However, it seems to lack a plot and a problem. I was unable to find a problem or ending within your story and I think you need to work on that. The character re well defined but try to give away their personalities more through show-not-tell. You can also use more figurative language too. Furthermore, your story lacks a complete ending. I don't feel the sense of closure that most story gives. It's a good start to a great story. Sincerely, Grace