Akhila

<<<< you can critique this <<<< you can critique this

Dear Akhila,

I love the idea that you had for Songs on Repeat (also helps that I love 1D)! It's really interesting and quirky. I really like that you tell a story that involves the song but isn't limited to it--you bring more to the table. There are a couple times you say things like "I feared" or "I was paranoid" when you could show your feeling really interestingly instead, with actions or the like. If you do decide to revise this, make sure to show me the final! :)

Sincerely, Erin

<<<< you can critique this
 * (i did Yasmine's picture!!)**

Resignation was etched into his being. It was in every crevice of his face, every breath he took and every effort he made. His daily actions were done in a silent but precise routine that nobody noticed. But no matter what he did, he could not escape the truth that was glaring at him from every aspect of his life: he killed Shane.

Five months prior, he and Shane stood on the very tracks he was sitting on now. “You’re being ridiculous!” he yelled.

“And you’re being a fucking pussy” Shane replied calmly, taking a long puff from his cigarette. He flicked the ash off the end impatiently “James. I’ve seen people do it before, it’s not that hard.”

James turned away and kicked the wall, winced when his foot made contact with the hard concrete. For a while, the only sounds in the desolate station was James’ uneven breathing and Shane’s steady drags from his cigarette. They had always been opposites.

James turned to face Shane and really //looked// at him.

Dear the lovely Akhila,

(Songs on Repeat)

I didn't understand this at first (I thought the first sentence was a typo) but when I did I laughed so. So. So. Hard. You took the assignment and twisted it in a way that nobody else would have! It's hilarious. I love how smoothly you incorporated (most of) the lyrics - the sentences themselves made sense. However, because the passage is so short, it was hard to actually develop a story out of it, and put all together it doesn't really make that much sense, although you do convey a clear complaint of having the songs stuck in your head. Now you've gotten them stuck in my head. Thanks a lot.

(The Key)

I really enjoyed this! I would have liked to have known exactly what they did to Rachel's husband/boyfriend/significant other. Like how they managed to get Rachel out of the room and get him in. It would've been cool to have a flashback or something! I really liked the overall theme of the story, and you successfully played across Sarah's concern and Rachel's seemingly placate reaction and her ultimate reversion to her abusive partner. Sarah's rant at the top of the second page really helped to portray the gravity of the situation as well as her personality! I like that you had her have inklings of doubt throughout the story, and let the reader know ahead of time that something was up. I also like how you had the idea of the iPod/music present throughout the entire thing, but didn't mention the actual song until the very end. Your sentence structure was a BIT choppy for my taste - I suggest reading the story out loud to yourself. Also, at the end, was her head literally split open..? I don't think that's a good place to put in a metaphor like that... :) Overall, though, it was an interesting, engaging story which could have been a little more revised and a little longer but that I loved!

Love love loveeeeee,

Yasmine