Leo



COULDN'T COPY IMAGE (Man on fire running through a house in a beekeeper suit) Something was wrong. The bees were dying, and Farmer Don Johnson expected it would happen sooner or later. It was inconvenient now, though, since they were just starting to produce honey. And the only way to prevent the disease from spreading was to burn the dead bees. What could go wrong? Donning his beekeeper suit and a frown and carrying an old can of gasoline, Don entered the bee farm. He began absent-mindedly dowsing the ground with gasoline, while whistling the tune of “Baa Baa Black Sheep” and thinking about his delicious upcoming dinner of lamb chops. Just one ‘fwick’ of match on box, one release of index finger and thumb, and the job was done. Pain shot up his right leg. Don glanced down. It was probably just his swollen ankle. Shocked, he did a double take. Not only was the fire a funeral pyre for the bees, it was burning him; he accidentally spilled some gasoline on himself. Doing what any sensible person would do, Don stopped what he was doing, dropped to the ground, and began rolling. The grass surrounding the bee’s hive was burning by then, so Don only succeeded in catching his back and left leg on fire. It was just another day for the rest of the Johnson family. Until of course, Don burst through the back door in flames, screaming for help. He ran right out the front door straight for his only salvation: the water pump. Pumping as if his life depended on it, water gushed out over his suit. Sweet relief. His family stood around and stared; everyone was stifling laughter. Dear Leo, The poem "end of the line" was my favorite. I really enjoyed the last sentence, "another life taken". The whole poem was calm and you end with a dramatic sentence that changed the mood. Fishing is known for being kinda of boring. But the way you described every detail made it very interesting and intense. My only complaint is, it didn’t rhyme. Personally I feel like short poems like that should rhyme. But that is the only thing “wrong” with it. Every sentence to me made a difference and was important. -Kenzie

Dear leo, I could really relate with, “Nose explodes with pollen, sneezing” also when you said “awaiting lunch” cuz I know the feeling of exercising and getting hungry, its like ten times worst. Once again the ending was very powerful. The whole time I picture the rider riding on a real bike trail. But in reality the rider is just going to school; nice twist. And I don’t really have any way you can improve. Every sentence added on and there wasn’t too much detail of too little. -kenzie

Dear Leo,

(Morning Bike Ride)

I adore the clarity of this - it really does remind me of an early morning! It makes me want to jump on a bike and just go. Except not to school. One of my favorite aspects of the poem is how you didn't use very many pronouns/possessive adjectives at all. I could just imagine someone zipping through the streets on a chilly morning. I did not see the part about going to school coming at all! Although it didn't really affect the tone or message of the poem, it was a great twist that added personality to the poem. My favorite line was perhaps "Fingers curled tight in an attempt to retain warmth" - it really conveys the sense of morning chill. I LOVE THIS POEM AND I HAVE NOTHING BAD TO SAY ABOUT IT

(Memoir Mali)

First of all, I wish I could've had an experience like this! Even though you didn't really say it out loud, it was evident how much you enjoyed your trip to Mali. I like how you interspersed the piece with parenthetical explanations for those of us who are not familiar with the terms you used - I don't think the asides broke the flow at all. In fact, I think they contribute to it. The sense of awkwardness/feeling out of place throughout the story was totally believable - been there, done that! You kept it lighthearted, though, and didn't seem to take yourself too seriously. The dialogue between you and the salesmen seems spot-on, too, and really helped me imagine the scene. I like that you opened with the Malian children, but it seemed as though you were going to talk about them instead of your experience in the market. It was a bit misleading in that sense. You're very adept at using language to convey the correct emotions; I especially liked "newfound sense of superior bargaining power," the snowflake simile, and "armlet appraiser." Overall, I really enjoyed the story, and although the beginning was a bit misleading, it was fun to read and it made me laugh. I absolutely love your writing.

Sincerely,

Yasmine

Dear Leo,

I read your poem //End of the Line // and your short story //One Rainy Day//. Your poem provides an interesting account of fishing from the eyes of an omission narrator. You provide clear sensory detail of exactly what is occurring, which maintains the reader's attention to the action. I did think that some of your descriptions of the waves caused by the fishing line to be out of place compared to the rest of the poem. If you were to include more, I would advise you to give more detail about how the water is disturbed by the fishing line. I also found your short story of the experience of Andy Norman Olhausen to provide an intriguing account. I believe you successfully characterized the protagonist well, and I could clearly understand his actions based upon how he is described. I believe that you may have moved through events far too quickly to maintain the reader's attention, as there only seems to be brief descriptions of transitions from one scene to next. It would add more to the story and the plot if you could enhance those transitions.

Sincerely,

Frank Maldarelli

Dear Leo,

See, I told you I'd read these and disagree whole-heartedly with your personal opposition to your writing. Silly. I loved them, all of them. But I will be focusing on One Rainy Day/The Ring, solely because it appears Morning Bike Ride (which is simply beautious) has recieved much fan mail already, and I'd prefer to give you fresh feedback. This tale is wonderful in its structure as a true short story, a feat which I struggle with greatly. You have a beginning, middle, and end (nice elementary terrminology, eh?), whereas I tend to trail off somewhere in the middle. This, even moreso than your stylistic writing itself, is what grabbed my attention. Your ability to tie the diamond-studded ring in throughout the tale, and have it represent who's skin is in jeopardy, is great! A few nit-picky tidbits for you: On the second page you wrote "It was his the theif!" - derp. Also, I can't believe that someone, friend or stranger, in the Department of Motor Vehicles, would willingly dish out someone's address. Maybe provide further reasoning to justify this level of trust? Nice work =)

Sincerely, Alexa

Dear Leo,

So I read "One Rainy Day" first. My god your writing makes me verbal keyboard smash. I adored the style of your writing and the general detail. One thing jumped out at me, and that was the short sentences that could have easily have been combined into one sentence. That might have been my own/preferred writing ways eating at me, but that was what made me get twitchy. I loved the little twist at the end with Andy putting on the ring and being taken to the station, as well as the little detail about him becoming an ex-private detective. It amused me.

I also read "At Long Last". I approve of the use attic-scrapple wholeheartedly, and the general fantasy/science fiction feel of the entire story. Fantasy is my favorite genres of writing, and I love the ominous tones of the main character's description of the dream, and the general open feel of the entire story. The open ending as well intrigued me. You write very well, the style and way you incorporate details into your stories are just fantastic. The main character's love of his Collection reveals a lot about his personality, and his relationship with his construct is interesting. I also like how the "dream" reappears throughout the story. Sincerely, Katie