Evan

MY PICTURE DIDN'T SHOW UP. IT WAS LEO'S DEAD PEOPLE'S THINGS FOR SALE SIGN The sign appeared on a Monday, as if it had been on the sidewalk forever. People walked around it on their way to work. They were able to dodge it without even looking at it. Nancy wondered if they had read what it said, were even able to read it. She was surprised how many people didn’t know how to read anymore after the war. It wasn’t something the government saw fit to stress in schools along with their lessons on industrial machinery, good citizenship, and nationalism. She was surprised how few people noticed when a sign appeared that read: DEAD PEOPLES THINGS FOR SALE. Nancy looked for oncoming traffic and then crossed the busy street and approached the shop adjacent to the sign. The door was ancient cracked wood, last painted a dull black at least fifty years. When she opened it, a tiny bell chimed. “Hello?” The door creaked closed and Nancy couldn’t see anything. The darkness was a glove over her mouth and she remembered the cold of the basement in the night with the shells exploding above and Mrs. Pink from 26B screaming while her father told her that tomorrow they’d go and buy a milkshake. Nancy stumbled back to grab the door handle when suddenly there was a crackle of electric light bulbs. The dark stole away and Nancy’s heart slowed. “A customer! Have we seen a customer yet this week, Mr. Havisham?” A voice from the back of the store. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself!” Nancy said to the young man walking up through the aisles. Now that there was light she could see what the shop held. The rows were filled with trinkets, odds and ends. Mugs, scarves, even a steering wheel. “And my name isn’t Havisham, and I am most certainly not a mister!” She could feel herself blushing from the scare and her raised voice. A boy once told her that she looked very pretty when she blushed. She wished very much that she would stop. “I wouldn’t presume to call the lady a gentleman, miss. I was talking to my mangy cat, wherever that animal is.” The young man picked up a book and looked under it as if the cat might spring up. “What exactly should I be ashamed of, then?” “Your sign!” huffed Nancy. “It’s very clever, don’t you think?” He was very proud. A gray tabby cat jumped onto the shelf of radios he stood next to. “It’s abysmal. You advertise your store by saying you sell dead people’s things. How dreadful.” “It got you to come it, didn’t it?” “Well…I just came to reprimand you!” He feined disappointment. “Damn. I thought I might sell something today. Ok then, I get it, the sign is offensive. Off you go.” Nancy stood still. “Are you going to take it down?” “Nope.” <span style="font-family: 'times new roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;">“Sir –“ <span style="font-family: 'times new roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;">“It’s not a lie, miss. All of these objects belong to deceased individuals, died in the war.” He picked up a children’s rattle and shook it for her. <span style="font-family: 'times new roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;">“You’re sick. I should report you.” Nancy backed towards the door again. <span style="font-family: 'times new roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;">“I didn’t steal anything. They all gave ‘em to me.” He said it nonchalantly, just as her hand touched the nob. <span style="font-family: 'times new roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;">Nancy stopped. “Excuse me?” <span style="font-family: 'times new roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;">“I swear on the Holy Trinity – me mother, my cat and my store – that all of these objects were given to me by free will. I ain’t no war exploiter.”

Dear Evan,
== I really enjoyed the flashbacks in this piece. //They contributed to the plot in a very meaninfgul way. I also liked the way that you seperated each// day, which made the story less confusing to read and understand. The use of sound that you included (Ex. "Crunch", "Slurp) was excellent to help the reader hear what is going on and feel as if they are actually there. One thing I would change was that I felt that the piece ended too abruptly. Maybe try and add some more detail about how the story ends/ make the ending a little less confusing to understand how it ends. Lastly, I felt that your diction was fantstic. You were able to find exactly the right words and place them where they fit. ==

Danielle Koval
Dear Evan,

Evan, you certainly have a taste in horror stories. I read your pieces //Mom’s Cherry Pie// and //Black Widow//. Both of them were clearly intended to cause shock and fear for the readers of your pieces. In your first story //Mom’s Cherry Pie//, which I had previously read, I found that it is a simple yet interesting short story which has a well-placed twist at the end. The reader has no bearing as to what direction the story will take, which maintains the suspense and anticipation. The story has a good amount of detail which adds to its horror element, particularly in the description of the pie. I would advise that stories like this should be more fleshed out if you have the time and space, as it would be interesting to see where these events would turn. Your story //Black Widow// also has a good plot of horror of suspense. It is much more detailed, and provides a progression of events which culminates in the climax. The story as a whole, however, did seem to be predictable. A reader could foresee the ending of the story within the first page. Additionally, while there is a progression of events, they do not seem to be significantly connected from the reader’s perspective. The most I got from them was that the wife had an insatiable hunger and Ralph was developing a fear of spiders. There was a good amount of detail in the events preceding the climax, and I feel as though you could have made better connections between them. As for the climax itself, it had the detail for the horror element, but really had no twist or unexpected turn of events at the end. You wrote a solid horror ending, but also an expectable one. Nevertheless the piece is an interesting real life to supernatural horror story, as many of your pieces represent.

Sincerely, Frank Maldarelli P.S. If Ralph has friends looking for payback, NP Customer Service is having a sale on assassinations. Revenge kills get 15% off the original price.

^ FRANK THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER READ ASDLALFKJAHDFA -YASMINE

Dear Evan,
== So first off, I loved the repetition in this piece with the "don't call it...." I espescially liked the last two lines, "don't call it boredom." "This is how I spent my summer vacation." I felt satasified with this ending and that it summed everything up in an interesting way. I also really enjoyed then diction. Just like the last piece I read, you were able to place just right words in the right places. ==

Danielle Koval
<span style="color: #008000; font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif';">Dear Evan,

<span style="color: #008000; font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif';">I really enjoyed Zombie Dirge! It's hard to take something like zombies and turn it into an effectively chilling poem, but you did. The sections I liked the most were the third stanza (Grim Reaper's kin) and the descriptions "overripe fruit" and "crushed like littered tin"--they really helped get the mood across. I also really liked how you didn’t explicitly mention that there were zombies except in the title. The only things I might rethink are the words "awful" and "primordial"-- "awful" because it's telling more than showing, and I'd like to see more of the descriptions like above that gave me shivers, and "primordial" because, although I do like the word itself, to me it seems to break up the lines a bit and make them flow less easily. <span style="color: #008000; font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif';">In all it's a great poem and unless you oppose, I'm going to submit them to Litmag for you. :)

<span style="color: #008000; font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif';">Sincerely, <span style="color: #008000; font-family: 'Tahoma','sans-serif';">Erin K

Evan!

Okay so I love Mom's cherry pie. When you read it to us in groups I thought it was hilarious and I like the way that you mix humor and horror (and do it successfully)! The senosory details in the story are really great as well! I like the descriptions of what he tastes and feels when hes eating the pie. You really get a sense and it is what allows the reader to first see that something is up with the pie that he is eating and I like how that leads in to the rest of the story. Anyways, story is fantastic and I look forward to reading more of your stuff! -Falon